Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I currently don't understand fingers.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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