I'm gonna have a badass scar
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
