next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Congratulations! We have a period
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