Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
