I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
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just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
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My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.