I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
