Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
