before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
