Dude my mom stole all your condoms
What a fucking waste of an outfit
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
