apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!