Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.