my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
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I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
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I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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