This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Randomize
