Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
