in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
