Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
