Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
