did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
