I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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