Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I forget how to act sober
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
