peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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