im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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