$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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