When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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