Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
