I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
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I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
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It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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