Soap is not a condiment
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
