Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
