why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
The uberlube is also flammable
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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