You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I made him laugh his dick is mine
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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