I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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