i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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