that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
