Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
