so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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