If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
