I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
that's an acceptable place to lick
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
