Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
