I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
