rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
