There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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