1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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