her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
