I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
