someone threw a dead crab at me
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
