My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
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