Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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