I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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