New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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