I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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