He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
