I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
