and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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