when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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