I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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