Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
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